We all know that love is a gamble, there’s no way to predict how a relationship is going to go… except, there is, just a little bit. When you start dating someone, seeing everything through the classic rose-colored glasses may prevent you from recognizing red flags, so that’s why here is a very clear and explicit list of what behaviors look out for.
Disclaimer: this list is valid for any gender, although some are more specific.
We understand that cis men can be at risk too, but it is generally more physically dangerous for others.
The first red flag is so important that is not numbered – it is the master red flag:
If a man gets offended because you are sharing your location and or his name with your friends, walk away as quickly as possible.
It’s an immediate “no thank you”, it shows that this person has no idea what the world is like, or worse.
1. Insists on ordering your food or drinks.
Controlling, thinks they are/know better than you, may have learned “romance” from movies. It would make sense if that were their favorite place, but to order somebody’s food without asking if it’s okay… we no likey.
2. Has zero opinions
It’s okay to be nervous, it’s okay to want to find things in common with the other, and maybe to exaggerate a tiny little bit, but agreeing on everything and not expressing an opinion might indicate that they’re just hiding the real ones in order for you to like them. Or if they really show no opinion at all, they might be extremely insecure and struggle to, you know, have an original personal thought.
3. Criticizes their exes
Beware of people who do (or at least who do so excessively), especially on a first date, especially if they (multiple they) are “crazy”… maybe they weren’t all that crazy. Not saying you can’t have a very complicated history… but what are the chances? Plus, talking about exes on the first date is generally frowned upon.
4.“You’re not like the other girls”
We suggest a solid sprint. You don’t need someone who will put down everyone else to make you feel special. It’s manipulative, and it’s likely to keep you wanting to prove you are “different”. If you are special it’s because of what you are, not because of what others are not. Don’t fall for this one, it says exactly what your date thinks of women. Bleah.
5. Criticizes everything
The way some one is dressed, the way YOU are dressed, how the food is served, how annoying someone’s voice is, hoe they would have don it better, how they would have managed an event, a feeling, an argument, a whatever else, everything to show that they’re more than the others, that they know better… They probably aren’t, and it’s quite boring.
6. Overdoses the romance
Overconfident or extremely insecure, they probably do that with everybody. Too sweet, too nice, too cool, too good to be true, and for a good reason.
Careful about gifts and lovebombing, it’s a possible base for emotional manipulation and that will never go well. ”But they said they’ve never felt like that before/they are never like this” – this is what a lie looks like, 99.9999% it’s the best way to rope you in.
7. Money talk
In general, talking about money is not the most tasteful you can be when you first meet a person.
If your date talks about the price of everything, from the clothes they or you are wearing, the food you are eating, the cab ride to get there, or their car, or wants to know how much you have paid for x things, or how much you make or how much they make… it could be serious insecurity or an attempt at money-grabbing, either way, keep a healthy distance.
8. They don’t respect your boundaries.
This should go without saying, and yet we need to say it: pay attention to the way your date responds when they don’t get what they want or when you disagree with them. The way someone else reacts to your boundaries can be very telling on whether you are being treated with respect or they don’t really care about your boundaries.
So what could that look like?
Trying to pressure you to stay longer after a date, pushing you to stay for another drink, getting way too close, are a violation of boundaries, nothing less. Each of you has a full right to go, and if any of this happens, you really really should.
9. Backhanded compliments, or “negging”
Negs are annoying because, among the other aspects, they leave you uncertain if what you just received was a compliment or an insult. This is often used as a tactic to cause another person to feel self-doubt, that way (they think) you will become more likely to want and search for approval.
Here are some examples of what negging can look like on a first date:
· “You look good for your age.”
· “You’re cute but would be so much hotter with less make up.”
· “I’m not usually into curvy women, but you’re attractive.”
10. They are rude to others
Even worse if they are nice to you. They are only being nice for a reason. If they treat others poorly, they will do the same with you at some point. Besides, do you really want to be with someone whose behavior you have to apologize for? Nope.
11. They don’t answer reasonable questions or try to make you feel bad for asking it.
For example, it can be useful to ask someone you are on a date with what they are looking for. It’s a pretty straightforward question and can be answered honestly between adults; there are no wrong answers on their side, they can very well be looking for something different and that’s okay. However, if the response to the question is vague, like “Let’s just go with the flow,” or “Let’s not rush it,” these are signs that A) they don’t really know what they want, and or B) you might not be on the same page.
12. They frequently check their phone or take calls.
Unless it’s an urgent situation, if your date is distracted and frequently checking their phone or taking calls during your date, it shows that they are not taking your feelings and time into consideration and may have difficulty being fully present if you decide to proceed.
13. Too fast too soon.
If they are trying to speed up the pace of getting to know you too quickly, immediately talking about the future and all of the things you two will do together, in a way that feels “serious and honest”, well, It may feel nice and exciting on the spot, but this can give you a false sense of security which might cause you to overlook other red flags.
14. Self-hater.
Or better yet, if someone tells you they’re trouble, they’re probably right. It’s not cool, they’re not your manic pixie dream girl or your not-really-bad bad boy, a mystery to solve. No thank you, we don’t need that kind of romanticisation.
15. They question your life experiences and choices.
Anyone who seems doubtful when you talk about things that you have experienced, especially if you’re sharing something related to being marginalized, or anything they “would have done differently”, perhaps in a way that was not available to you, or that a choice you made ”doesn’t make sense”… you know that kind of stuff, and nobody wants to live like that, right? They aren’t necessarily smarter or better or wiser than you. Be cautious.
16. A nice guy
A MAN WHO SAYS HE IS A NICE GUY AND COMPLAINS THAT GIRLS DON’T WANT NICE GUYS ANYMORE NEEDS TO BE REDIRECTED TO A SEMINAR ON HOW TO BE A NORMAL PERSON AND A MASTERCLASS ABOUT WHY WOMEN DON’T WANT HIM.
An actual nice guy will prove over an extended time period that he is actually a nice guy. You don’t need to say you are blonde, you just need to consistently have blond hair, which is very easy when you are actually blonde.
Remember: dating can and should be fun and light, but ignoring red flags in favor of a couple of green-ish ones is not the best idea, for anyone.