Ah, the eternal question of our modern times. Who should pay the bill on a first date?
Should we race each other to the cashier’s desk? Should we both reach for the wallet and let the fastest win? Should I pretend to reach for it, very slowly?
What is the etiquette of a first date, in terms of paying?
In the past years, the question “who should pay the bill at a date” has seen a big bright spotlight projected on it. With the long-lasting strife for gender equality and female liberation, what was once a no-brainer has become the subject of many (perhaps too many) debates, and while some don’t really care that much, others happen to have very strong, very articulate opinions about the subject.
Why is it so important? Isn’t it better to just let the man do it? Why do some women care so much about paying the bill?
Well, because they can. A man paying for the date has always implied, in one way or another, that he was “investing”, and that his investment should reward him with a certain, immediate kind of outcome. Meaning that if he paid for dinner, she then is expected to “do her part”.
Women have decided that, since they too can have a salary and be independent instead of relying on a bread-winning husband, their part will be just the same as the man’s.
The desire to quit feeling forced to give something in exchange for the courtesy of paying for a meal or drinks or what-have-you was stronger than whatever cocktail he bought her, and so she pays for herself.
However, not everyone shares that same mindset.
Some women consider it the duty of a man to pay for a date, and they see it as highly disrespectful to be asked to split the bill since the lady is the one being courted, and so she should be – because some old traditions should better stay as they are. It makes sense on one hand, because everyone likes to be pampered, right? And it seems legitimate, after she has spent (at the very least) one hour and a half with all the preparation that a date requires, to be compensated for the attention and effort she put in her appearance: she takes care of looking the nicest possible, he takes care of the bill.
There is no shaming or judging in that, let’s be clear. It is simply a matter of different points of view. If that is what you like, by all means find someone to wine you and dine you.
Again, this is very subjective, and none of these are rules.
What is certainly extremely important is that everyone, collectively, ignore the eye-rolling Alpha man takes on this topic… or any topic at all. A man who pays for the date is not “a simp”, “a beta male” or whatever ridiculous opinion they might have. That is very weak energy and we don’t vibe with it. If your love language is paying for others, so be it.
Anyways, these are all very heteronormative situations in which we assume that the couple going on a date is man/woman, which is, well, not always the case.
Oh what ever are we going to do if a same-sex couple sits down at the table? Are they going to fight for the bill? Duel? Ignore it until it combusts? Run?
Okay, what follows applies to anyone, of any orientation, identity, and look. This goes for anyone sitting with anyone on a date, wherever you are, whatever you are doing.
SO, WHO SHOULD PAY THEN???
DRUMROLL!!!
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The one who asked for the date. That’s it in our humble but honest opinion. If you don’t want to risk paying too much for a dinner date for two, simply avoid going somewhere particularly expensive. It makes sense that if someone asks someone out for a date, the planning and all is generally on the end of that person. If the person you have invited wants to split the bill, then let them. However, the person who has been invited, “the invitee”, should be prepared to pay their part, just in case.
Do not be offended by a woman who wants to split the bill, she is establishing her independence and autonomy from something that is, in a certain measure, historically relevant, no matter what you think about it.
If you really want to be the spender because that’s how you like it, you can trysaying “I would love to take this one, if you don’t mind/it would be my pleasure” or something along these lines.
On the other hand, let’s say you would really love to take your date to a specific bar or restaurant or place, but cannot afford paying for both of you or simply won’t. We believe in saying “I really want to take you here, but it’s very expensive, is it okay with you?/ I can’t pay for both, but I would love to show you this place”.
The first option is probably nicer, as it feels more like you are simply asking without prying if they are okay with spending a certain sum, taking it as a given that they will be paying for themselves, rather than say “you gotta pay for yourself”, which is clearly less delicate and polite. Yes, obviously the level of confidence needed is quite high here, but after all, if the person you are going out with refuses categorically to split the bill – and we don’t mean “lets you pay”, but straight-out refuses… is it really worth it? You know, just a little thought. Just a little question.
“Who should pay the bill” is a question that, just like the egg and the chicken, will probably stay unanswered. The reason is that there are so many variables, so many different instances and situations that even wanting to list them all, we would still not come to a conclusion.
The only logical, neutral answer we have is that the bill should be taken care of by “the inviter”, which seems the most rational option among all.
Hopefully we have helped you solve this doubt! Enjoy your date!